Unconditional Parenting

I have finally finished reading this book and it pretty much rocked my world.  What an incredibly interesting look at how we speak to and discipline our children.  I suggest this book for anyone who has any contact with children (parent, teacher, nanny, etc).  Like any parenting book, you must take everything with a grain of salt, but this one has for sure made me think in ways that I never thought were possible. 

Kohn uses reason and decades of psychological research to show how traditional methods of punishment and rewards (everything from spanking and time-outs to the sticker chart and praise) may produce (in some kids) temporary compliance, but at a high cost in terms of long-term moral and emotional development, psychological intrinsic motivation, parent-child relationship, and on and on. 

His opposition to rewards is also counterintuitive for many parents with progressive values. Whether it is money for good grades or a "Good job!" for taking that first pee in the potty, Kohn argues that rewards encourage kids to focus not on the value of the task itself, not on the impact their actions might have on others, but purely on what they themselves might gain from doing it. While this may have a favourable impact on the specific behaviour in question over the short-term (though often it does not do even that), it actually tends to decrease the interest that children have in the task that parents are trying to encourage, and fosters in children an overall framework for deciding upon their actions that prioritizes a very narrow understanding of gain.

So what's the alternative to rewards and punishment? 

Kohn proposes an emphasis on building and maintaining relationships with our children.  We should work with our children instead of doing things to them.  We should stop asking how we can get kids to do what they are told and instead focus on what their needs are. 

He suggests encouraging them without praising them, i.e. providing affirmation and support and love that is explicitly not about using positive emotion to reward obedience or success, but rather just because they are our children.

He also promotes the idea of encouraging them to think about how they feel and how their actions make others feel, and thereby to pay attention to what is intrinsically worthwhile or fun about whatever it is they are doing. When there are problems, he encourages us to work with our children to find solutions rather than dictate to them. He is very big on parents making an effort to see situations through the eyes of their children, and on working hard to make sure they know they are loved at all times.

Give them choices. Encourage autonomy. Let them make mistakes. Listen to them and respect them and arrive at decisions cooperatively where possible.

While Kohn does an excellent job convincing the reader of the dangers of these common parenting techniques, he does fall short on practical advice on how to deal with parenting challenges.  I've heard that another book, Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen is a great one to read along with this book.  I will be reading this one next.    

I really suggest reading the book for yourself because no review of mine will ever come close to fully explaining what this book is all about.  What I have written here in this post barely even touches the issues that Alfie Kohn so convincingly tackles.   If you have the time,  I would definitely recommend this book.